Huwebes, Marso 28, 2013

Back For Good

My last entry was about moving on.

But how can I truly move on if he's coming back for me?

Martes, Pebrero 19, 2013

Long Gone and Moved On

One thing's for sure.

As the days go by, it gets easier and easier to learn how to live without that constant presence  in my life. Without someone who used to be half of my heart.

I guess I really am moving on.

I thought moving on is gonna be hard, but seriously, it wasn't, at least not as hard as I expected it to be. Maybe because I was in a long distance relationship? Maybe because we don't get to see each other often? Maybe this is the reason why my heart doesn't feel the lack brokenhearted people feels.

Or maybe because there are other people ready to fill the empty spaces he left.

The spaces were filled almost immediately that I never felt the emptiness at all.

Even my Valentine's Day was filled with love.

Or should I say before Valentine's Day?

Because for some weird reason, I went back to my hometown and spent time with my friends. Friends I missed so much and friends I distanced myself from in order to "find myself", "heal wounds", "forgive and forget".

But you know what? I think that was the right thing to do. I think it was just what I needed. Because when we met, sure it was a bit awkward, but I am Janessa. I am the girl who fears no one and just goes with the flow. I do not let myself be into awkward situations and I do not let myself get tongue tied.

I handled the matter very maturely, in my opinion.

I think, I have already moved on.

Still unsure though. I still need to see if I can survive longer and more often visits.

We shall see. :)

- Nessa

Sabado, Disyembre 29, 2012

The end..

December 27&28, 2012.

Masaya pa tayo nung una eh. Sana siguro di na lang ako nagreact. If I could turn back time, di ko gagawin lahat ng ginawa ko nung araw na yun. Siguro kung di ko na lang pinansin at di ko pinairal yung pride ko, ayos pa tayo ngayon. Siguro kung inenjoy ko na lang sarili ko, meron pang tayo ngayon. Hay. Ang dami kong regrets tuloy. Sana sana sana.

Pero wala na, tapos na eh.

Ang daming nagtatanong sakin kung ano yung rason, tatlo lang ang sinasabi ko. Sa tingin ko kasi etong tatlo lang naman ang talagang dahilan.

1. Di mo na kaya
2. May nagustuhan kang iba
3. Pareho tayong seloso/selosa

If I could really turn back time, ibabalik ko yung panahon na wala tayong problema.

Pero ayokong baguhin yung mga naging desisyon kong sabihin sayo yung mga bagay na alam kong dapat mong malaman. Ayoko kasi nung nabubuhay ako, tayo, sa kasinungalingan. Ayokong may tinatago.

Hay. Di ko na alam kung ano pang dapat kong sabihin. Di ko na alam kung ano pang dapat kong gawin. Ngayon pa lang nagssink in sakin lahat lahat. Lahat ng panghihnayang, sakit, galit, tampo... Sabi ko ayokong makaramdam ng kahit ano, Sabi ko papakamanhid ako, go with the flow. Hahayaan kita.

Pero nung naisip ko na pwede ka ng mapunta sa iba ngayon, siguro natauhan ako.

Oo kaya ko ng wala, oo kaya kong wala ka sa tabi ko, pero di ko yata kakayanin na makita ka kasama ng iba. Parang iniisip ko pa lang, nanlulumo na ko.

I can't imagine you with someone else.

I want you back.

Oh God. Sana maayos pa to.

Mahal na mahal kita, at ayokong mawala ka... :(

Huwebes, Disyembre 27, 2012

Papa? I've got something to say.

Papa please don't let me go
I've learned my lesson now
Boys do break girls' hearts
Got mine crushed just now

Papa now I know
What you've been saying all along
That I don't know what boys are
Now you can say I told you so

Papa please hold me close
These tears are falling more and more
It feels like I've got broken bones

Papa I just wanna say
That how many boys I meet
There's someone no one can beat
Papa you will always be first for me

A Girl is..

To all the boys out there, please remember this.

A girl pushes you away when she needs you the most. It may seem childish and immature, but this is how girls work. We need to feel that we are valued. That we are important.

We feel that the most when you stay with us even though we push you away it hurts.

A girl cries the most when there are no tears falling from her eyes.
A girl is hurt the most when she belts out her hardest laugh.
A girl needs you the most when she pushes you away.
A girl screams the hardest when she knows you won't hear her.

Girls are full of contradictions. Boys needs to understand that. We are the world's greatest pretenders. We can fake everything. But deep inside, deep, deep down inside, we are hurting.

Please understand that we do not do is to annoy you.

We do this because this is how we've been for ages.

It just how the world goes. Just remember this.

We will push you away when we need you the most.

Sabado, Disyembre 22, 2012

What's on my mind?

Okay! First of all, I survived 12-21-12! :)

I really don't believe in that but, I thought that's just something I'd want to immortalize in my blog.

Well, this post is actually more about the title. '

I've got a lot of things going around in my head for a few days now..

What I wanna do, what I wanna accomplish, who I wanna be..

I want to be a Freelance Make Up Artist, heed the word freelance. Free.

I wanna be a model. Print, Runway, Fashion.

I wanna be a well known Wardrobe Stylist.

I wanna be a Fashion Photographer. Or just a photographer, anyway.

I wanna paint again.

I wanna write again.

I wanna record an album of all my songs.

I wanna sew new clothes.

I wanna try things out.

I want to be the best.

But then, I realize, do I really want all of these things?

Maybe I do, but knowing myself, I will never have the patience to do all of it. I have a very short term memory span, especially when I feel like I'm not doing any good.

I guess that's just the way I am. I guess I really am the little princess, expecting everyone to wait on me.

But you know what? I know I can overcome this.

I know I will do amazing things with my life.

As I welcome 2013 into my life, I also welcome new possibilities. New opportunities. New reasons to fight. To overcome. To set the world on fire.

I can do it, because I have people who love me. I have people who believe in me. I have people who trust in me. I have people who will me when I fall, no matter how many times, no matter how hard.

I say goodbye to 2012, maybe a little too early, but I am ready for the new year.

I say goodbye, but I will never forget.

After all, 2012 was one of my greatest years. It will be one of those years that I will tell my children and grandchildren and great grandchildren stories about.

It's the year I left the most transforming years of my life, the year I entered the world of college. The year I met the boy who puts the stars in my eyes.

2012 is my sweetest year.

2012 will forever be in my heart.

It may not be the best, but I know I will have better years.

With him by my side, together we will conquer the world hand in hand.

Behind a good man is a great woman, and behind a great woman is a gentleman, ready to catch her when she falls. That man is GOD. 

God Bless and Happy Holidays everyone. :)

Hugs, Nessa :*

Sabado, Nobyembre 17, 2012

Seems like yesterday...

Funny how time flies by so quickly.

More than eight months ago, I was dancing my heart out and creating memories my friends and now, one of those memories live in my heart forever. It was during our prom that I met the boy I am in love with now. I cannot say that he's my first love, (that privilege goes to my bestfriend) but what he makes me feel like better than the first one. For probably the first time, the love I give is being sent back to me, not in the way I wish, but maybe in the way I need.

In these eight months that we've been together, I've been very much happy. People may not know it, but we much more than meets the eye. It seems like even if we have our vast differences, we complement each other.

You can ask me why I love him, and what I love about him, but I cannot answer those. Once again, I am fooled by my undecidedness. Maybe there are reasons why I love him, but I cannot decide which one makes me love him the most. Besides, our story is atypical. According to our customs, anyway.

Where I grew up, girls don't really date younger boys. We may crush, we may dream, we don't really go out. Girls don't go out with girls too, and boys don't kiss other boys. Bottomline, my dreams crashed bigtime. I was hoping to fall into the arms of a man, instead, a boy caught me. He caught me, and never let me go.

He did once, but that's another story.

You see, I would say that we are not meant to be together. I mean, he's younger, he has a different group of friends, he's a lot quieter, he doesn't have that tall, dark and handsome effect, and... he's... just not the boy I imagined I would be with.

But I don't wanna talk about that.

I wanna talk about what I feel right now. I feel like he's all I've ever wanted. Like all of the bits and pieces shouldn't fit but somehow it does. It's really crazy. I really don't know how to describe it.

I love the way our relationship is not based on kisses and hugs, but on respect and loyalty. Maybe being in a long distance relationship did it for us. Maybe being away from each other made us trust each other even more.

Oh whatever. I gotta go to sleep.

Happy 8th Monthsary enzoBeyb. Yup. I'm two days late again. :)